I started 2016 with one goal in mind – to be fearless. Now, I can’t really explain what that means, to be fearless. Except that after many years of living upto the expectations of
a. My parents: This never goes away. Whatever I do I am still that 5 year old striving to get the validation of my parents.
b. The media: Being that successful, not so young, woman on the go with a career, husband, kids, great body, can still drink all night and come to work in the morning and wear designer clothes with heels and have perfect holiday snaps on Facebook and give to charities and be friendly, witty, blah, blah.
c. My own plans—you know that one. Achieve this by this age. That by that age. And yeah that one too while you’re at it.
After having run through the gamut of those expectations, I realized a few things
a. I can’t and in fact I don’t want to always plan
It’s okay to be unplanned and let things happen. And things do happen. Really. If you feel things are not exactly moving, it’s not like you have to go out and make it happen right then. If you just stay and breathe and do what feels right for you – life still happens.
b. I must acknowledge that feeling
The one inside I’ve always had, which is the strongest thing that has always guided me in life. It’s not even a feeling, more like a sense, a light vibration.
The kind that shimmered when I met the man I knew I was going to marry.
The kind that shivers every time I write.
The kind that pushes at me when I walk into a space—home/office/meeting room/ café and know that place is not right for me.
The kind that pulls at me when I meet kids and see how clear they are – pure channels of energy that draw straight from source.
Yeah, it’s the first time I’ll even confess to having this ‘vibe,’ for I have spent most of my life burying it. Logic and the rational mind dictate this ‘sense/vibe’ is all ‘weird’ and has no basis in reality.
And yet, every time I have gone against that ‘vibe’ I have suffered. And when I’ve tried to ignore it for the really, really important life-changing stuff, I’ve found I couldn’t and finally did end up following it. The only time this ‘sense’ failed me was when I miscarried. That I didn’t see coming at all.
Which is why I think about it a lot-that incident and perhaps that’s why I credit it as being life-changing. It wasn’t as much the loss of a life, more that I had no warning. Nothing, no ‘pinging’ or ‘pushing’ me from inside to tell me it was going to turn my world upside down. Since that incident, it seems I have determinedly tried to unlearn my notion of what life is about.
So a month ago when I finally read a novel by a fellow author in that same ‘space’ that I spend so much of my life in, something clicked. I realized that was the feeling I was looking for in the stories I write. That unsaid, unseen feeling that slams into you because it speaks to a basic irrefutable truth.
And the only way to write that way is to be fearless. To really not worry about the outside world and simply let go.
As always for me, my writing translates to and transforms my life. So as I write more ‘fearless’ I also want to live fearless. To pay attention to that feeling and let it guide me in real life as it does in my books. For someone who’s always believed this to be true, it’s only now that I am also beginning to live it too.